tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49516892541642012902024-03-14T05:14:52.988+00:00Fibromyalgia - Where has my mind gone?A Diary of my life living with Illnesses. Lately I have been forgetting lots, So decided to make a blog diary. I Hope this will also help other sufferers.TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-34228335045814896972014-05-30T11:26:00.000+01:002014-05-30T11:26:47.600+01:00New Blog??? I need opinionsI'm Back!!!!<br />
Again I haven't posted in a very long time, almost a year I think. The problem a lot of the time was trying to stick to the one topic when really I feel that there is so much more I want to talk about and need to talk about, rather than "Just" Fibromyalgia.<br />
So I am in a bit of a quandary as I loved doing this when I could and hoping my words could help and inspire people, but I want to write about Soooo much more.<br />
I don't know whether to keep this blog and just change the name, or to just start a new one altogether, but then the work that I did put into this I worked very hard at.<br />
My life is so much more than Fibromyalgia and maybe I am just realising that, I want to share so much more than just that and appeal to a wider variety.<br />
For example I draw and would love to share my work and get some opinions, I'm by far not the greatest by I enjoy it and I do try, I write Poetry and the same goes for that. I read books, I am addicted to books, they are a HUGE part of my life, along with music and I like sharing opinions on these too or other things that excite me eg 3 weeks from today, I am getting MARRIED!!!!. <br />
I just want to share so much with the world as well as try and help. I don't know what to do. I need some opinions. <br />
I am worried that the people who follow my blog and who can relate to it may feel a bit betrayed, Oh I don't know. I know in my own head what I mean. I think it would be easier for me to keep up with a blog to which I can post anything and everything. <br />
Something that is Just me, all of me and not just a little part. That each day could take you down a totally different path while still talking about Fibromyalgia and my other illnesses and the HUGE impact that they actually have on my life. <br />
I want or I need to add some fun and happiness and talk about things that make me feel like this, now here comes the problem. I don't do "Happy" writing. I write better when I'm in the grips of Depression, when I'm struggling and suffocating under the strain of life. But even the I "WRITE", good old fashioned pen and paper crazy ramblings. I have books and books of them, and though I find people would find them hard to read, I feel they would "Enjoy" them because they are my best work.<br />
I would love one day to get my work published, but then again this scares me as it is deeply personal and would probably need to be highly edited. <br />
My life story I believe would astound and interest people especially if you read the Biography style books like "A child called it", "Sickened" both of which I have read, Real life stories that can grip the world. Unbelievable stories that "Only happen to other people". My life story is like that, in so many ways, on so many different subjects, over and over again.<br />
People that know my story have often questioned how so much pain and heartache, and bad things I suppose can happen to one person and they still have some of their sanity, still get out of bed every morning. And I wont lie, a lot of the time it is extremely difficult. Living life waiting for the next bad thing to happen. But I don't want to live like that, but I also don't want to hide who I am or what has happened to me. <br />
There is always someone worse off, but I can relate to so many things on the most personal level. My creativity and my writing, drawings, poetry etc is who I am inside and often at my darkness. Even when there is light in my life, the darkness will always be there and it's how I cope. How I express who I am. One thing I have always done and I believe I always will do is; Have hope and believe, Believe in something better, believe I was meant for more than this and meant to be greater, believe that everything I have went through and will go through is for a reason, even when I feel like giving in. The world doesn't know my story yet, I haven't inspired them yet and I can't ever be done until I do.<br />
Anyway I would like some thoughts and opinions on what to do blog-wise.<br />
<br />
Thank you all for listening againTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-7099058057805510872013-04-24T00:58:00.002+01:002013-04-24T00:58:11.690+01:00Just Me!I often wonder about my life and the point to it, my brain never stops all these random thoughts and memories bombarding me that i can never switch off. I am so, so angry and agitated all the time about everything and i just want it to stop. I look at myself and I see everything and nothing. And anger..... So much anger, some days it blinds me. I want to make it stop, be at peace and be free. Free from my own messed up mind.<br />
<br />
I long to be understood, but know no one can understand. No-one can understand all the constant hurdles and torments my life has thrown at me. Unless someone has been through the exact same things all of their lives, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Now that being said I know people however can sympathise, but that still only goes so far and there are things maybe about your personality that they will never understand and that maybe even anger them. Things about the little things that you are, and the way your brain so geniusly (I know that's not a word) but dumbly works, things that you have no words to explain to other people, many of those frustrated "Oh, I can't explain it" conversations. I can never find my words from brain to mouth or fingers to explain what I mean or what is in my head.<br />
<br />
I wish I coud just let it all out, maybe on this i think maybe someone will hear me, understand if not the facts as they will never know all of them but the feelings, most likely not for the same things altogether but an understanding, knowing someone has heard me. I don't even understand myself. I fear I am going to destroy everyone around we with my anger and fear, and everything is falling apart. I am. Maybe I am to blame. I just want help. I want it to all go away, I don't want to be this person anymore.<br />
<br />
But what can I do? What can I ever do? My life just always comes back to this, my brain always playing the same way no matter how far I come at trying to beat it, it always beats me back down with the overload of memories reminding me of who I am and why I'm so fucked up.<br />
<br />
I will never be the person I want to be, the person I dream of being because it always strikes again. I wnat so badly to change, to for once feel free with who I am and not trapped inside, desperate to escape from myself. And this is pretty much the way I always feel, trying everyday to try to be happy, to try and seem happy, to try to forget. Trying to try. And it's so hard but everyday I face another and someone I get through each day but I feel more wore down, more anxious, more ready to explode. I really need help. <br />
<br />
But I know I will keep surviving because that is what I do. I survive. This is just me and I know there's probably mistakes and typos and the kind of things that would annoy me but my mind is a bit weary tonight.TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-12138482141883229142013-02-05T00:09:00.000+00:002013-02-05T00:09:26.767+00:00I really, really hate the NHS - A conversation<span class="userContent">I really hate the NHS in all it's forms had
nothing but crap from them this week, due to be filing a complaint with a
lot of names in it and I will find each person because calls are
recorded. Nothing but a total joke you're only there so they can make
their cash. I'm sick and tired of getting spoken to and treated like an
idiot, I may be to nervous to get the words out or I get confused and
lose<span class="text_exposed_show"> composure when I feel I am under
pressure. I am a patient actually treat me like one and treat me like a
human being - they are not the ones having to live this shit but they
could at least try a little bloody understanding and empathy. I don't
want people to fell sorry for me but I will not be treated like an idiot
and constantly messed about. I should at least have a clue by now all
of what's happening to me what's happening to me. They are supposed to
be there to make you better - not a nervous wreck. No wonder I'm so
stressed out - NHS=STRESS!!!!! xxx</span></span><br />
<span class="userContent"><span class="text_exposed_show"><br /></span></span>
<span class="userContent"><span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span><br />
<li class="UFIRow UFIComment" data-ft="{"tn":"R1"}" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}"><div class="clearfix" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0">
<div id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1]">
<div class="clearfix UFIImageBlockContent _42ef" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0">
<div id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1]">
<div id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0">
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][1]"> </span><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]">As
someone who worked in the NHS, I have to agree. Doesn't matter how busy
they are, or anything else. The patients must be given time,
understanding and empathy. And the fullest information and explanations
possible. It only takes a little patience and caring.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span><span><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268523}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268523}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0].[0]">Thank
you! At first when I saw "As someone who worked in the NHS" I thought I
was going to get an earful. But it's nice to see that even though you
worked with them you do realise how to treat a patient - one of their
customers as such xxx The funny th</span></span><span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268523}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3]"><span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268523}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0"><span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268523}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3].0.[0]">ing
is everyone knows this or should know this, it been all over the news
for a long time about the NHS and it's hospitals, doctors etc messing
up. The ones there have been countless unnecessary deaths, and they
show no remorse - they need to do something change their ways. I have
been to countless Dr's, specialists, professionals that work for the NHS
and it is rife all the way through on occasion you might find a good
one but you have to shout awful hard for them to listen. My full adult
life has been nothing but NHS and appointments. I am sick of them and
the way they treat people, would they want themselves or their families
to be treated like that if they were the patients? Hmm I think not! xxx</span></span></span></div>
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268479}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</li>
<li class="UFIRow UFIComment UFILastComment" data-ft="{"tn":"R"}" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}"><div class="clearfix" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0">
<div id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1]">
<div class="clearfix UFIImageBlockContent _42ef" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0">
<div id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1]">
<div id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0">
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
Exactly.
It's very different from the patients perspective. And that has been
underlined for me in supporting my partner. Staff very often forget what
is common place to them is vitally important and often very scary/hard
to cope with for the patients. </div>
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[3]">Makes my piss boil. They call patients 'clients' but forget that title means they are providing a service.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody"><span><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody"><span><br /></span></span></span></div>
<div class="UFICommentContent" id=".reactRoot[38].[1][2][1]{comment10200466598045414_6268585}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0]">
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="UFICommentBody"><span>Good to see someone who understands and to that gent, thank you for the conversation.</span></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</li>
TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-60151869217392864712013-01-29T01:26:00.003+00:002013-01-29T01:28:12.119+00:00The Girl in the Mirror<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things just are NOT good.
The fact I am sitting crying for no reason, well apart from remembering
and feeling shit I just don’t want to. I
stood taking my nightly meds out of bag (not all of them however) and as tears
filled my eyes and rolled over to spill down my cheeks I thought how easy it
would be just to take them all and at first I thought just a passing thought
because of shit that’s happened and the way my mind works. Realised no Amitriptyline in bag so went
upstairs to get it out of another humongous bag of unused meds the thought
became a lot more prominent, pop out a couple of amitriptyline come down stairs
and as I stood numb on the spot glancing at the time it was more than just a
thought, it became an option and that is not good. Just as well I’m shit at making decisions and
inside am just too scared to do it. I
managed to shake the thought off, but not with the ease I would have wished. I
took my meds as I should (again not all them however) and I cried some
more. The reason I don’t do it is
because the love and respect I have for my partner and daughter, If I did that
he would hate me, and not just the normal kind, that soul destroying kind that
would take away every bit of good and just fill it with hate and a) I cannot
live or die for that matter with the thought of him hating me b) I will not be the person that destroys him
like that, I love him so much and sometimes I don’t even think he realises
that. I wouldn’t do that to her either,
I want her to grown up knowing how much I love her and how much I’ll fight and
struggle through in this fucked up nightmare that is my life. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Sometimes I sit for a long time just staring at the mirror,
most times I don’t even realise in a world of pain going through everything I
think and feel, everything I have been through. Never saying a word but talking
to the only person that ever has and ever will truly understand me, my
reflection, the girl in the mirror. I
cry for her and I cry for me, she sees and is the only one who can ever really
see who I am and just how fucked up we both are. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">But I never speak of these things or the things I can only
share with her, that sad little girl in the mirror. I look closer and I see how sunken our eyes
have become and wonder why no-one ever told me. I destroy myself and her
together and she cries out at me to get better, to make her pretty, to make her
feel beautiful again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I think of all the things I’ll never have said or I wouldn’t
have told someone if they were gone – like my mother I’d tell that yes for a
long time I did blame her for what happened to me and I know she blames herself
but I was wrong because deep inside I know it wasn’t her fault and yeah things may
have been different and that fact can’t change but I think maybe for a long time
I needed someone to blame, I blamed myself and sometimes still do. I blame myself for her leaving me and I know
things couldn’t have been easy with an undiagnosed mental health problem, I
would say however hard it was for her to hear that I wish she hadn’t told me
she had left because she couldn’t handle me because in all honesty that did
fuck me up a little bit more. But in a
way it has made me a more determined mum because I will never leave.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I would tell my partner that I want him to know how truly
sorry I am that I betrayed him at the start of our relationship, I have no
excuse, I want young, stupid, hurt and scared but I know he has never truly
forgave me and I don’t think he ever will and I don’t blame him for that, there
are things in our relationship he has done to hurt me and sometimes I think in
a way it’s a unknown punishment for what I did.
I fucked up and we have both hurt each other but when I comes to it he
is the one that has been there since I was 16, the one who has set his own life
aside to care for me and our daughter when she came along, he has been the one
to pick up the pieces when everything has fell apart, he has stood by me when most
people would have ran a mile. He has the
hardest job in the world and not only do I love and thank him for doing it but
I admire him. His strength and courage especially when he has had to push his
own feelings to the side to be there for me and be strong for me when inside he
has been falling apart. We fit together,
I don’t think we will ever truly understand each other and we will always have our
disagreements and be at loggerheads on certain things but when it comes down to
it I truly believe we need each other, I live for him and our daughter and in a
heartbeat I’d die for them.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’d tell my dad that he is my hero, my whole world and I
love him so much. Throughout my life he
is the only person that has always been there, who sometimes says the wrong
thing but when I truly need him knows just what to say to make it all seem a
bit better. All I ever wanted was for
him to be proud of me. And I wish I had
stuck in at school, went to college and uni and made something of myself. Sometimes I have felt he is ashamed of me and
has tried to hide who I really am, but in his own way I think partly it is to
protect me and partly to protect himself.
I don’t know what I will do without him when he is gone, which everyone
inevitably will be and that scares me so much.
I long for him to tell me he’s proud of me but by doing something which
makes him proud. I want him to know how
immensely proud I am of him, for a lot of things but I know being a single
father to two girls can’t have been easy.
I want him to know I need him and that even though I know it was not my
fault I am sorry I broke his hard and took his happiness away when I told him
what had been happening, I look back and tell13 year old me better words to
say, but mostly I want to tell him simply Thank You, and that is for everything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />
I’d tell my daughter she is my everything and I am so, so
proud of her. My little mini me with the
craziest mind of her own, only her and her daddy can make me smile and happy
and infuriate me so much. She is our
beautiful little genius and changed my life.
I never knew of an overwhelming love and fear for everything they do,
well I kind of feel that way about her daddy to. She makes me cry but no-one can pick me up
the way her cute awesomeness can, she truly is awesome by the literal meaning,
I am and always have been in awe of her, she amazes me and makes me laugh. She keeps me going when I need to fall apart
(yes need because I don’t ever <i>want </i>to. I know she is going to be very successful in
everything she does, I want to always be her friend, her guidance yet being a
good enough mum to put my foot down even if that means she dislikes me. She is my little miracle, the baby that made
it and I am thankful every day that I was blessed with her and it hurts me that
I can’t give her a sibling but I know one day she will understand. And though I want for another baby
(desperately at times) I know I am lucky and blessed to have her even if we
never have any more.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">To my baby angels, Hope, Sam and my 4 nameless little
stars. Nothing will ever describe the
pain of losing you, the hole in my heart that died with each of you. This will be short because there are no words
that I can write that explain what I feel.
I love and miss each of you with every breath, every heartbeat. To Sam, because you were so real, I know that
sounds stupid because all of you were real, but my little Sam, my tears fall
for you all too often, I seen you, I held you.
You got tore away from me again and again and I write this with the same
tears and heartbreak as the day I lost you, nothing will ever heal that
pain. I remember you dancing about on
that little screen exactly 3 hours before you were gone and in that moment part
of me died. I worry that you will have felt pain, that it was the birth that
killed you, did you take a breath? And I
know that you couldn’t have lived because I was only 16 weeks but you were
fully formed, just so, so little. I just
think how happy you were dancing about on that little screen and then you were
gone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I need to stop now as I am in full blown tears, snot and
all, hurting and feeling. I wish I could
sleep, I wish something could numb the pain even just for a little while and
not just my physical pain from my concoction of weird and not so wonderful
fucked up illnesses – but that’s a story for another day.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">A friend once said a very true thing “she must dement
herself with all that going on in her head” and while that is true, it’s not
even the half of it. I often think there
must be a reason why all this has happened and continues to happen to me and
most times my conclusion is it is some sort of punishment, I’m just trying to
work out for what or which thing is punishment for each bad thing I have ever
done.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-3430540849374129392012-05-13T01:14:00.000+01:002012-05-13T01:14:24.448+01:00Let me be free<br />
As I lie here, well sit perched up in my bed I think too much about too many things. When does this become more bearable? When does the pain and illness reach a peak? Because for a "Non-degenerative" disease/illness/whatever the hell this is it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse. Most of the time the pain is just so unbearable.<br />
<br />
I don't want to live like this,with this daily pains coursing its way through me making me iller and iller and sometimes it seems no-one can understand. There is only so much moaning they can take and I'm all talked out. I just want to be normal, happy,pain free. Not have to suffer any more, is that too much to ask? Is it too much to want? Too much to dream?<br />
<br />
I have found that I am not interested in a lot of the things in which I was. Finding myself bored by them, maybe because they seem pointless. Pointless things when you feel like you are dying, when you are so scared and questioning your own mortality.<br />
<br />
And that is how I feel - like I am dying. The illness, the pain. I try to be strong, try to pretend it doesn't hurt as much that I am not terrified. But I am. I just want to be free from its chains.<br />
<br />
<br />TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-79630364974951833132012-04-18T20:12:00.002+01:002012-04-18T20:12:43.410+01:00Just a thought ...While Playing my games I was thinking, and bear with me because I know in my own head what I mean but it's trying to get the words out that make sense. So forgive me if I sound a bit as if I'm having a "blonde moment" at times but bear with me.<br />
<br />
I think you know when you have met you "Soul Mate" friends and partner wise when you find someone who you just fit with, you are comfortable with, who accepts you as who you are and doesn't run when they find out about illnesses, depression, life experiences they help you through the hard times and help you create new life experiences. I have met 2 of these people and I feel very lucky. One of them is my hubby and the other my friend V. Even though in life people change and will not be the same person you first met they will fit comfortably into your life and you into theirs. Any awkwardness you have with each other will never last and fall away because you know each other, you trust each other and hold a very special place in your heart for each other. Without them you would be different, but the same; but together you are better. They have changed your life in a way that you will never forget.<br />
<br />
And I think you can truly accept yourself when you look at the people around me and think if I had fame and fortune and everything money could buy these are still the people I would choose to have buy my side forever sharing my life with me good or bad.<br />
<br />
I am so lucky that I have that and with my hubby I have had it for a long time, but with a friend I had it when I was in my early teens and I hurt her, I didn't mean to but things got all mixed up and we lost touch for years and I kinda mourned our friendship all those years, since I was 16 I haven't really had any friends and my Hubby has been my only real friend but in Jan I met back up with V and it was amazing how quickly we fit back in to each others lives, it was like we had never been apart lol. I keep thanking her for everything she has done and she keeps telling me stop bloody thanking me that's what friends do, but she has changed my life the same as my hubby has - for years all I wanted was a friend, someone to vent to, someone there to have a gossip in laugh with, who accepts your good and bad and knows you are not always going to want to do stuff.<br />
<br />
I hope this makes senseTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-20170552945862762482012-04-18T14:26:00.000+01:002012-04-18T14:26:48.070+01:00Sorry for being a PessimistFeeling a little bit better today, not pain wise but I'm not as weepy. Think I must have had a touch of PMT as I woke up this morning and my bloody Jammie's (excuse the pun) were soaked through. I hate when my monthly joy (yeah right ha ha) comes through the night. So today I am not feeling as sad but very, very sore with big bad cramps which I totally hate.<br />
<br />
For the last couple of days my lovely Laptop has been deciding it doesn't want to play with me, maybe it is feeling the pain of fibro and PMT too lol.<br />
<br />
I must apologise for being so pessimistic yesterday, I know that is not going to help anyone but at the end of the day "I am only me, It's the only thing I can be". I hate when I'm typing and cursor decides to move itself up the page to halfway through a sentence.<br />
<br />
I would like to thank everyone for their continuing support especially Healing The Pain. It's the support that gets me through the bad days. Also my Hubby and my awesome friend V. Without yous I would be totally lost.<br />
<br />
Today I feel slightly lost for words. I have always found the more down I am the better I can write. I used to write poetry and that was the same, haven't wrote poems for years and think I should probably start again. Maybe that will be next a poetry page on my blog, containing all my old poems and any new ones I may or may not write. What do you guys think?<br />
<br />
My back today as usual is not a happy little spine and it doesn't like my monthly gift as it makes it very unhappy and in more pain. If I have to live with this stupid pain I need to find a way to make my life easier use the pain to be creative etc.<br />
<br />
Can't think of anything more. Feel I am rambling a bit.<br />
<br />
So for now, goodbye and thanks for listening xxxTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-14918250184587424222012-04-17T16:20:00.000+01:002012-04-17T16:20:05.808+01:00Finding it very hardI feel I must apologise to you all I started this blog and originally it was supposed to be for me to note down my day to day a bit like a diary for myself to remember and in the hope that it would help others but I failed, I did it for what 3 days? Then it became too much, too much of a commitment another thing I had to do and because for the last couple of weeks I have been feeling really sore, ill and to be honest just generally shitty I didn't write things down during the time in which I probably should have I buried myself playing online games and generally just trying to take my mind off things and forget.<br />
<br />
I am just so tired - Tired of trying, tired of fighting, tired of being in pain, tired of being sad, tired of getting nowhere, tired of not living but merely existing. I feel so low but I don't think I have told anyone at all just how low. As I write my eyes fill with tears but I cannot let myself cry because how do I explain to my 4 year old why I am crying why I feel so so sad.<br />
<br />
I went to the physio yesterday which the rheumatologist referred my to because of degenerative spinal wear and tear, this was instead of just giving me more medication. So after explaining all the problems/illnesses eg the thing with my back which I was there for (should she not have known that?) the fibro, the joint hypermobility etc she told me there was basically nothing they could do for me gave me a few exercises and told me if I want to contact them again I have to during the week beginning 28th May otherwise they will assume all is well and discharge me. What is the point? All the doctors and other medical "professionals" are doing is passing the buck from one person to another and none of them are actually willing to help me. She asked if they had gave me any meds yeah Amytriptaline, has it helped at all she asked. Well, No it hasn't and they refuse to give me anything else because physio was supposed to help me. What the hell am I supposed to do. I can't live like this. My depression is worse, I don't want to leave the house, I can't take my daughter to nursery. I am the one that has to like in absolute agony every day and no-one seems to care. Maybe I should stop being so brave, so resilient, so strong. Maybe then they would see, actually do something. <br />
<br />
I know myself I can't give up, I can't let the illnesses win. But I feel they along with the depression I have suffered all my life due to being sexually abused and everything else I have had to endure have taken everything from me.<br />
<br />
I just want to be happy, I don't want a fancy life and fancy things. I just want to be normal and not feel like this. Why won't anyone help me.<br />
<br />
All my life I try my hardest, I am nice to people. I don't speak my opinions for fear of upsetting others. I am a nice person. What have I done to deserve all this. Why is it always me? Why can't I just get a break for once.<br />
<br />
As the tears now fall freely I wonder will I ever be free to be happy, to be able to enjoy life. I hate this. I do not have a life I have an existence and I am not living, I am keeping myself from dying. Yet I dying inside. In my life I have coped with so much and suffered through so much but this - I believe this is going to be what finally breaks me. It is hard to comprehend that this is what it will be like for the rest of my existence.<br />
<br />
I am sorry that this is depressing and "feeling sorry for myself" but I needed to vent.<br />
<br />
I hope you are all well and coping better than me xxxTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-52995381765703398192012-04-06T02:23:00.000+01:002012-04-06T02:23:26.845+01:00Who Am I?I'm Kind of thinking that I better head to bed soon as I will need to be up at for dad coming up to visit. I sit with my BIG headphones on listening to music and pondering what I can include in this entry which will undoubtedly be the last of the night. I think I made some progress today but in what I don't know. Realising I do deserve to be happy? That some people are interested in my opinions and what I have to say? That I am a strong resilient woman or that I an do things when I put my mind to it because to me doing this blog is a HUGE commitment it's scary and I'm not going to want to do it all the time but I need to for myself as well as others.<br />
<br />
As creative as I am or sometimes wish I was because that's who I feel like on the inside. Writing doesn't come easy to me. I wish it did because I could be an author which work be awesome. I have loads of ideas for books in my head but don't know how to put the words down that's why I couldn't keep a full diary before and why I was a crap pen pal. People ask me so what's being happening and my reply is nothing much I would love to be one of those people who could turn little mundane daily things into an epic tale of adventure. Thinking tomorrow I may also start a favourite song lyric blog as well because I need somewhere to put them<br />
<br />
So when do I start believing in myself. When will I believe I'm OK at writing I don't think I'll ever be exceptional some people's stuff you read just flows has the right words in the right places, what are mine - demented ramblings of a crazy person. Why don't I go for thing in life - because I don't see the point in wasting the precious time I have on things that there is a million people better at it than me, so I would never get a second look. I am OK at some things, I can't think of anything I'm particularly good at and there is nothing I am exceptional at. I am quite smart and the one good thing I had that was good was my memory but now it is going too. My long term memory is still rather good but I fear what will happen if I start losing that to. My memories (however bad they may be) and being able to remember is what makes me who I am. Without them who am I? Am I nobody?<br />
<br />
Again Good Night and thanks for listening xTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-26386920899764875592012-04-05T21:44:00.001+01:002012-04-05T21:44:32.914+01:00How do you find the blog?<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;">Hi everyone and Welcome please feel free to read the blog and leave feedback. Seems some people are reading but only a few have left feedback every bit helps so I know how people feel about my writing, the blog, is it helpful?, Is there anything yous would like to know or like me to write about? What are your own experiences? Any advice? Do yous like the style and direction of the blog? Do yous find it interesting, informative, helpful, eye-opening? Any feedback at all xxx</span>
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;">I think anything would help, sometimes the words are right there in my head and just come tumbling out the way that I want them to and that I hope they will. But often I am left struggling for inspiration the words just don't seem to come. Suggestions of topics or discussion points would be really good and helpful and I can write on my experiences (if I have had any) or my opinions on them. I will try to be as honest and blatant as I can about the things asked and help in anyway I can. But I would also like personal opinions "Did the blog speak to you as such?" "Does any of it ring true?" Do you enjoy reading it? If so why?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;">Any comments and feedback is greatly appreciated and helps me on my way to getting my mind back and helping others do the same.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;">Thanks for reading xxx</span>TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-34940992826865233542012-04-05T20:23:00.001+01:002012-04-05T20:23:25.278+01:00BleurghFeeling Very Very run down and ill again, started feeling far too warm and very very sick. It's like a hot flush and you can feel the energy drain from you. Was a little bit sick and bad stabbing pains in tummy. Hubby asked if I was OK when I came out and I told him not really feeling too good and been a wee bit sick, he thinks it may be a wee bug because there is ones going about and he's been feeling kinda yucky too. So decided I was going to go to my bed have a wee lie down and either wait for it to pass or I fell asleep whatever came first. But my little cherub decided that was not to be and came up and into my room and started pestering me going in about all my stuff which is still all lying about my room because we have just moved house. So just decided to get back up, brought my art folder down and may try some art therapy lol. Not done my art in years in the old house my art folder which is a big black portfolio folder with all my art stuff in it had got put in the "Narnia" cupboard and discovered it again when we were moving. I love my art and I do need to start drawing etc again. I love writing, love writing poetry in fact most arty/creative things but most times when I have a minutes peace to actually do it I'm far too tired and worn out. So Little Miss is in the bad books she needs to learn maybe I'll just stay up when she goes to bed and do some arty stuff. She will be going just soon anyway. I know sometimes it's hard for her me being unwell but she knew I was in bed really unwell and was just being a little pest. Typical 4 year old.<br />
<br />TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-14456034467524042672012-04-05T18:06:00.000+01:002012-04-05T18:06:43.103+01:00Until the day I die I will KEEP FIGHTINGI was going to add a support my blog button but when I went to set up google merchant account it seems that you need to be an actual business. Oh well that's that idea down the drain. <br />
<br />
If anyone wants to donate to me and support my blog feel free to message me for details lol. Any money would go towards a car to help me get out and about lol. Aww well worth a try lol.<br />
<br />
Think I would feel guilty taking money off you good people anyway but was going to add the support my blog button so if people wanted to they could seems it is in a lot of blogs. But that's not what my blog is about anyway, at one point I think I will set up a Just Giving Fibro Page as I already have a Hughes Syndrome one and have so far raised £372.94 plus gift aid supplement of £39.43. <br />
<br />
Have thought about contacting Noel's Christmas Presents because after everything I have been through I think I deserve something nice. I sure as hell don't deserve all this bad luck and everything that has been flung my way.<br />
<br />
But here is the thing I struggle to ask for any kind of help never mind asking for something for nothing, that's not really who I am. Maybe I should be more like that as a lot of people seem to get a lot of help and things to make their lives easier by doing this. But the things I want aren't for me they are for my family unit and more so for my daughter to give her the life she deserves the kind of life I never had. Yeah there are things I want for myself like nice clothes, some new perfume, nice things for my bedroom but in my eyes they are not necessities I would rather get things for my daughter, then my hubby, then the house, then maybe myself but rather than ever getting the things I need for myself I will always put others first and get things for them because at the end of the day what I really want is my health and I can't have that. Seeing other people happy makes me happy. Don't get me wrong I love little gifts just as much as the next person but I like making other people happy.<br />
<br />
I feel guilty for taking help that I should be getting never mind anything else and because I don't ever ask for help it gets to me when I do eg at the doctors and you basically just get ignored. I am a very proud person and I wish I could have the energy to cook and clean and be the perfect wife and mother but I can't. Even before I "got ill" I have been plagued all my life with the most horrible depression and anxiety which means sometimes when I am in a very depressive spell yeah I do lack motivation, energy and get up and go. I wish I wasn't like this, but wishing won't change a thing. Nothing will change what happened to me and all the things that continue to happen, things that to an extent have ruined my life ..... Some people have a LOT to answer for. But all of those things are what made me who I am today and all I can do is keep being strong. Who knows if all the things in my life hadn't happened I would be a different person, a stronger person, a happier person .... but one thing I could never be is a braver person. Because only recently have I realised that yes I am in fact one of the most brave, resilient people I know. I may not feel like that at times and at times I don't feel strong and I don't know if I can cope but at those times I will look back on this right here and remind myself that I can do it, I can get through it and with my hubby and daughter by my side I can get through anything this life throws at me because I have hit rock bottom many times and been heartbroken, lost, scared and confused. I have been angry, suicidal and felt alone. I have hurt myself and pushed those close to me away but one thing I have always done with the help of my hubby is manage to claw my way back up and stay strong and keep fighting because I will NOT let these things beat me. I AM stronger than that, I WILL keep fighting and I REFUSE to let these things destroy me. I will smile when I am sad, I will laugh through the tears, I will swallow down my anger to deal with when I am feeling stronger and I WILL NOT LET THIS OR ANYTHING ELSE BEAT ME!!!! I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have an opinion and what I say does matter. I am allowed to speak my mind without worrying about what others will say but not be mean or nasty while doing so. I deserve to walk with my head held high because I have SURVIVED through so much that a lot of others wouldn't have. I have kept on fighting and never gave in, I have been close - I have self harmed and took an overdose in the years before my daughter was born but I will never ever allow myself to give in EVER, because then I have let the things that hurt me win.<br />
<br />
I am struggling a bit more with the stairs today, every bit of me from my waist down is in agony - from waist up too but need my bottom half for stairs, It's really P**sing me off but I won't let it beat me and I won't let it define me.<br />
<br />
Until the day I die I will KEEP FIGHTING and I will STAY STRONG<br />
<br />
Thank You for listening xTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-32430957745634689872012-04-05T15:37:00.000+01:002012-04-05T15:37:09.258+01:00My Knight in Shining ArmourSo just took meds because I have a bursting sore head again that has been the last 3-4 days. Migraine wafers are only seeming to ease it a bit but then it comes back again and considering I am only allowed 2 a day and max of 10 a month it's really not good.<br />
<br />
Had some Bacon on Toast for lunch but now my stomach is in agony again. I hate feeling so unwell. I'm tired and fed up and just want to escape from this pain. A nice relaxing spa treat is what I need if only I had the cash and a babysitter because think Darling Hubby needs a relaxation break too.<br />
<br />
Every bit of me is sore I don't think there is a bit of me that doesn't have pain or feel sore and yucky.<br />
I have pain in places I didn't even think possible. I feel so stressed out and honestly just want to scream, I can't get the words out to describe how I feel. I'm fed up, pissed off and just wish for once I could be pain free or not so tired. <br />
<br />
I think one of the hardest things sometimes about being ill is getting people to understand that you just can't do some things or sometimes just can't be bothered doing anything. Understanding is a hard thing but compassion is not. How do you explain to people that sometimes you just don't want to talk, don't want phone calls. Don't have the energy to reply to things or make decisions.<br />
<br />
For the last year all my life has been is pain, worry and appointments and the only person that seems to "get it" is my hubby, he is the one there every step of the way. Even though at times things have been a BIG strain on our relationship, even though at times I can be a downright bitch to him because he is the only one there so my anger gets vented on him which I know is not fair. I know he's no angel, neither me or him would claim he is but at the end of the day he is only human, he is here, sometimes the only person that is here for me. He has stuck by me and continues to stick by me through thick and thin, where a lot of lesser men may have walked away. The is what a partnership and marriage is all about. We just need to have the wedding, in our hearts we are already married just not legally lol. The only reason we are not is money.<br />
<br />
There is part of me that just wants to get to witnesses go to registry office and that would be it we would be officially married. But then there is the part of me that wants that 1 day that I get to feel like a princess and I know that's what my daughter wants she wants me and her to be the beautiful princesses and her daddy to be our handsome prince and that part of me wants to hold on to that dream of 1 happy fairytale day.<br />
<br />
Hubby said to me a couple of months ago that he wants to do it soon while I can actually still walk down the aisle and have that first dance and as the tears filled my eyes I was reminded of how loving, caring and absolutely awesome he was. If only we had the money.<br />
<br />
Same thing with the car he went and learnt to drive and passed first time so it would be easier for me to get out and about yet we can't afford a car. I know this gets to him because he deserves to have a car and get out and about himself and because of me being ill he can't yet he rarely complains about it. I wish I could give him that one thing. He has done so much for me and continues to do so and there are no words that can describe how much I love him or how grateful I am for everything he has done for me and continues to do. He truly is my knight in shining armour, my angel and the love of my life. And I wouldn't change him or our beautiful for the world.TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-64782610342555902222012-04-05T13:24:00.000+01:002012-04-05T13:24:04.635+01:00TitanicOK so for today's first post. Got up at half 8 this morning then went back to bed for a bit, was just so sore and tired - Even though I have a new bed now which is much better that my old broken one the pain I am in when I wake up is unbelievable especially in my back. I swear it's getting worse. So another sore painful day today looks like it's on the cards. <br />
<br />
Got Appointment through for Gastroenterologist today for the 19th, It's a different doctor again. Think they are the ones that are mucking about the most so I'll wait and see what they have to say this time.<br />
<br />
Today we are watching Titanic as My daughter J has been going on and on about it but now she has the wee sad confused face and keeps saying they aren't going to die and does the granny come back to life lol. Trying to tell her Rose is the Granny. Aww her poor wee sad face xxx<br />
<br />
She is now arguing that Rose isn't the wee old lady lol. Gotta love Titanic, have seen it so many times. Even went to the pictures to see it in 1997 when it first came out. Didn't let her see the end where the old lady died. Now she is saying the old lady is still nice and cute which has caused much laughing and hilarity. I'm glad I can still laugh even though I feel like crap. Gotta love my wee honey bug xTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-57493690263255948282012-04-04T22:25:00.002+01:002012-04-04T22:25:40.609+01:00Start Listening DoctorsI've had depression nearly all my life so well before I got fibro but I don't like how doctors the straight away assume everything is "all in your head" because you have mental health problems at the end of the day I know the cause of my depression but people with depression still get real illnesses luckily I had CPN and Psychiatrist to back me up on the fact the pain and illness was real and not "all in my head" a lot of people don't have that.<br />
<br />
I think it's about time doctors got a grip of themselves and realised people with Mental Health Problems are normal people to. Ever heard of the "SEE ME" campaign, yet it is doctors that attach a lot of the stigma to mental illness and treat us like second class citizens. They should look at every person with symptoms the same rather than saying oh wait a minute in your notes you have depression therefore anything you come here about that I can't see and even some I can must all be in your head. Start Listening DoctorsTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-7858376729377673802012-04-04T19:05:00.004+01:002012-04-04T20:26:05.976+01:00My Diagnosis'sOK so here goes so far my illnesses/diagnosis's<br />
<br />
<b>Fibromyalgia</b><br />
<b>Joint hypermobility syndrome</b><br />
<b>Degenerative Spinal wear & tear / Prolapsed Disk</b><br />
<b>Colitis & 2 places on colon oozing blood</b> (yet then My GP told me biopsy's were clear even though they seen it during colonoscopy)<br />
<b>Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension </b>(& Swollen Optic Nerves)(Causes Pressure Headaches)<br />
<b>Antiphospholipid Syndrome</b> (Hughes Syndrome) (Told me this was cause of my recurrent miscarriages which I've had 4, 1 of them at 14 1/2 weeks and 1 at 16 weeks)(However blood tests now show as negative)<br />
<b>Migraines</b><br />
<b>Recurrent Miscarriages</b><br />
<b>Abnormal Liver Function</b><br />
<b>Psoriasis</b><br />
<b>Positive ANA blood Test</b> (which has since been negative)<br />
<b>Depression</b><br />
<b>Anxiety</b><br />
<b>Tiny cyst on one ovary</b><br />
<b>Hiatus Hernia</b><br />
<b>IBS</b><br />
<br />
<u><b>Other symptoms also include</b></u><br />
Hair falling out and what looks like bald patches<br />
Strange rashes and new allergies eg playdough, baby wipes, medical tape...<br />
All over muscle/joint/bone pain<br />
Random Swelling<br />
Unexplained bruising<br />
Excessive Sweating<br />
Constant Temperature Fluctuations<br />
Extreme Fatigue<br />
Constant Gagging<br />
Nausea<br />
Blood in my vomit<br />
Severe daily diarrhoea<br />
Throat seizing up<br />
Difficulty swallowing Medication<br />
Severe stabbing stomach and bowel pain<br />
Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction when I was pregnant with daughter<br />
Chronic hip pain<br />
Electrical pulse pains up my spine<br />
Sciatica<br />
Regular Thrush Infections<br />
Severe Pain during sex<br />
Chest pains<br />
Pseudo-Dementia Fibro Fog could explain this)<br />
Yellowing skin on eyelids<br />
Constant redness across my cheeks looks bit like rosacea<br />
Weight Loss<br />
Abdominal Swelling<br />
Fast Pulse<br />
Stabbing pain in eyeballs<br />
Itchy eyes<br />
Generally feeling unwell and run down<br />
Also when I am pregnant and my waters break I go into full blown constant labour (when this happened with my daughter I was in constant labour but wouldn't dilate past 3 Cm's, when I had miscarriage at 16 weeks I gave birth about 30 Min's after waters breaking maybe not even that)<br />
When Pregnant with my daughter also had dilated Kidney<br />
<br />
This is all I can think of at the moment there is probably more.<br />
<br />
To me I think they may be missing something, surely there is something that covers everything because a lot of these thing only became problematic after the trigger point which was in June 2010 when I had miscarriage at 16 weeks, also exactly one week after miscarriage I had blackout/seizure and when I came round I had wet myself yet this was never investigated as a lot of the things haven't been.<br />
<br />
Any suggestions?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-88271386935174625612012-04-04T18:10:00.003+01:002012-04-04T20:24:47.019+01:00Yummy ScrummynessJust had my dinner tonight I had Steak Pie, Chips, Broccoli and Bread & Butter. It was yummy scrummy deliciousness, thank you to my wonderful hubby for making it. But now as usual after every time I eat I had bad stabbing pains in my stomach and weird jaggy pains in my mouth. I hate that every time I have a meal I get excruciating stomach and bowel pains.TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-60550387249743057292012-04-04T16:32:00.000+01:002012-04-04T20:25:07.935+01:00The unrecognised carers, Thank You!Having a really bad day today I feel so ill, have a really really bad migraine that won't go away. I have took my migraine wafer and strong painkillers but it still wont shift. Feel to warm, too sore and just really crappy.<br />
<br />
However I done my hair and makeup to go to the shop and while I though I looked and felt crappy (really dry skin on my head, hair seems really greasy today) I came down the stairs and my darling hubby told me I looked really good before I even said that I felt like crap and thought I looked the same lol. Have not done make-up all last week because for some reason I keep getting abnormal rashes and reactions to things that I was previously fine with, plus I've not really been feeling up to it. So waiting for the facial explosion lol, that's just my luck.<br />
<br />
I have to say it is my hubby and daughter that keep me going especially on days like this, as much as they both drive me cuckoo at times I wouldn't change them for the world. He has been my carer for 10 nearly 11 years since we met through my depression etc but in the 22 month since I "got ill" and gradually got worse over the last year or so he has had to take on a much greater job as my carer while still being my partner and a father to our daughter while keeping in mind that minus the physical illnesses I still have Mental Health Problems and he still needs to watch out for the warning signs and triggers to a depressive stage.<br />
<br />
I don't think he or other carers get enough recognition for what they actually have to do and it winds me up.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile I made it to the shop even feeling like this and got the few wee bits and bobs we needed, while coming back i was crossing road when a smart ass in a black Honda decides after he turns corner which was a wee bit away from where I was to slam the foot on the Accelerator ... Oh my god I am crossing the road with a walking stick and was on the road before you even turned your car round the corner which I am not even near, wouldn't be that if the idiot had actually hit me - Boils my blood, hate ass holes like that.<br />
<br />
My daughter continues to screech and cry and fly of the handle for no reason. I can't stand it especially when I have a migraine and feel like this. I love her to bits but wish she would just behave and listen. The screechy screechiness goes right through me and the constant moods and crying about everything. ARGGGGH. <br />
<br />
I love her so much but sometimes it is a struggle to manage with her. She is a very high maintenance and full on little girl and very hyper. Don't think people realise how hard it is sometimes especially when you have no-one to babysit or take her off your hands for a day or night. Think most other people with children have some kind of support network but we do not, that in itself is hard for anyone with a child but for someone who is very ill too it is sometimes a constant struggle. She is 4 going on 14 and a little genius and I know that this and because she needs constant stimulation which due to me being unwell I can't always give her contributes to her attitude and moods. All I want is to be a good mother and for her to be happy and healthy.<br />
<br />
At the end of the day she is my wee miracle and you need to take the rough with the smooth. She is outspoken, grumpy and highly strung a bit like me lol but she is also beautiful, smart, funny, caring, helpful, silly, wonderful, amazing little smarty pants and I love her to the moon and back. She and her daddy are my full world and without them I wouldn't be here. So to them I Love You Always and Forever - Yous are both my strength and weakness, my life, my love, my happiness and the light at the end of the tunnel. Yous keep me strong and keep me fighting and give me something to fight for. Yous drive me crazy but I love yous all the same. Yous make me whole and keep me going and for that I am thankful, because even though in my life I have had a mountain to deal with I have both of you and that helps make it easier.<br />
<br />
I would like everyone to be thankful for there family, the ones who sometimes forget how much us being ill actually affects. The ones that are there for you day in day out struggling along with us. And to they people I would like to thank on the behalf of anyone who is ill because yous make our lives a little bit more bearable.<br />
<br />
Thank You!TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-8786721687828240622012-04-04T13:27:00.002+01:002012-04-04T20:24:47.014+01:00Hot Cross BunsJust had a wee nice toasted hot cross buns with some butter. Rather tasty. However Burnt my finger again, see that why I shouldn't use the cooker, blooming fool that I am. Need to go up and get ready to go to shop can't be bothered but needs must. Have a few stressful things I need to vent about but don't know that I'm totally ready yet but it will come.<br />
<br />
So far I don't really know how well I will do at this blogging. I would love to be one of those people that people just want to read everything they write, suppose that is the artistic, creative writer in me.<br />
<br />
My dream would be my blogs being made into a book how awesome would that be, I know it can happen but don't really think my writing is interesting or eloquent enough. Mind you that could just be my obsession with books. I often feel my life story would make an interesting read to others, haha I could be rich beyond my wildest dreams, but that kind of thing only happens to other people not me. I am the person when you read all these messed up things that happen to people you think yeah that only happens to other people. Think I may just be one of the unluckiest people ever, yet I live my live trying to be as nice as I can yet constant shit is always flung my way. In life even one of the things that has happened to me would be hard to deal with but everything together is just a damn joke. Sometimes I do think "Why me, why is it always me?" but then I can't live my life like that it won't change a thing and no doubt all the hardships I have already experienced is not the last of them. So I need to try and be strong for me, my daughter and my hubby. Without them I would be nothing. <br />
<br />
I am not feeling sorry for myself or wanting sympathy, it won't change anything. I just want to be understood..TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-11414250394954794352012-04-04T12:34:00.001+01:002012-04-04T20:24:46.970+01:00First of the dayWell today this is my first entry of the day have been up since about 10 but takes me a while to come round in the morning. Definitely feel mornings are worse the pain when I wake up is unbearable and if I didn't have a wee one I'd roll back over and sleep all day. In the morning my back pain is indescribable. Today I feel quite yucky again, bowels are sore, migraine kinda teetering on the edge of coming and I just feel so sore. It is hard to comprehend that this is what my life will be like - people say Fibromyalgia isn't degenerative. Well for me it's just always getting worse - the pain, the fatigue, the general feeling just so damn unwell. So conventionally it may not be degenerative in the way a lot of other diseases are but I have to feel to a point that it is. Yeah there are flare up and remission periods and I have not had it long enough to judge. But even in remission periods I am still in constant pain just not as much as the "flare ups". During so called flare ups I just feel so generally unwell and so ill and people don't seem to get that. I AM ILL - just sometimes more than others. But I push myself to do more than I probably should then end up burning out. Last week I was so ill, the worst day I would have happily went to sleep and never woke up. But I continue to fight.<br />
<br />
I have just moved house and know I pushed myself way to hard on the days I was able to and probably even on the days I wasn't really. I didn't listen to my body because I couldn't I didn't have a choice but to do things. Is that why I ended up so ill. Can it really be classed as remission and flare ups when remission may only last a few hours or a few days at the most and during that time I am in constant pain but maybe not feeling as ill, sick, crappy as if I'd happily never wake up - this doesn't mean I'm suicidal, I've been there before; before I "got ill". So am I in a constant flare up? Does anyone have remissions where they are not sore, feel good and well? Or is this maybe because - as I feel - there is something more than fibromyalgia? There is something the doctors are either missing or not telling me. After my coffee I will list my known so called "separate" illnesses. I feel they are all connected and not just to Fibromyalgia. I feel Fibro is a symptom rather than a cause or diagnosis in my case.<br />
<br />
How can I fight what in my heart and head I know isn't the only problem? How can I get doctors to listen? They can't see the pain, can't feel how ill I feel. I am a young woman. I am only in my late 20's. This is not usual. Pissed off because I feel like I will always be fighting a losing battle.TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-48163028023401385102012-04-04T02:33:00.001+01:002012-04-04T20:24:46.990+01:00Night NightFinally going to go to my bed try and get some sleep as my eyes are stinging. Stomach cramps are playing up again... Will go before I fall asleep on the couch again<br />
<br />
Night Night World and Thanks for listening xxxTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-12365373514368807482012-04-04T01:34:00.000+01:002012-04-04T20:24:46.975+01:00Changed my MindNo wait I am blaming damn fibro meds, only when I started on Amytriptaline the night-time hunger started and got worse as dosage increased and it's night I take them at. Just had 3 oreos and nomming through my second chunk of tiger bred with utterly buttery on it, real butter would be better but needs must and it needed eaten. Could never do The Atkins Diet - I Love BreadTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-39207120248257369872012-04-04T00:51:00.000+01:002012-04-04T20:24:46.985+01:00Crunchy Nut CornflakesI think I have a serious addiction to crunchy nut cornflakes. Damn Fibro Meds. Every night around this time I need a bowl and I can never find a bowl big enough so need to go back and top up the crunchy deliciousness, the adverts for it are so true but I'd need a small bowl and top ups otherwise they'd go too soggy and I like the yummy crunchiness . Tonight I am having them with a chopped up banana in it, not had that in ages and forgot how super delicious it was. I just wished they stayed crunchy though, or maybe I eat too slow but I like to savour their crunchy deliciousness and enjoy every bite. I'll be putting back on all that weight I lost, but I suppose I usually just have 1 meal a day and lately had been struggling to eat. I always have preferred breakfast at supper time. Just noticed all the spelling mistakes, not happy that's not me .... thank heavens for spell checks - MISTAKES BE GONE!!!!!! (swoosh swoosh swoosh)<br />
<br />
Just realised I blamed Poor Fibro Meds, I should have said Damn 101million different illness meds but that's not quite got the same ring to it. Maybe it's just as well they don't give me all the medicine's I should get for all the different illness, I'm already thinking of taking out shares in the pharmacies and medicine companies with the amount I get.<br />
<br />
Oh and PS - My knees are burning and in agony, it is spreading up my hip and full left side. Everywhere hurts but there are bits that feel like they are on fire, my eyes are stinging and my hands are frozen. Think it's about time for bed.TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-29351470105075385502012-04-03T23:54:00.003+01:002012-04-04T00:05:06.204+01:00Forgetting My passwordsHad mucked up, too many tabs and two different web browsers open to check my seperate accounts went to log back in and BAM wrog password. Now I know at least one of them I entered was correct as I only made the account earlier today. So had to reset and create new password. Damn you Fibro FogTaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4951689254164201290.post-61174068507690931952012-04-03T21:54:00.001+01:002012-04-04T00:05:06.210+01:00Some Interesting Reading<h1 class="title summary" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 24px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: -webkit-auto; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
Roanoke Chiropractor Thoughts on Fibromyalgia</h1>
<a href="http://www.chiropractorroanokeva.com/roanoke-chiropractor-thoughts-on-fibromyalgia/">http://www.chiropractorroanokeva.com/roanoke-chiropractor-thoughts-on-fibromyalgia/</a><br />
<br />
Had a quick scan through - although I will need to have a proper read at it and take some notes when my head isn't so sore. Just took my painkillers (although they don't even touch the pain never mind kill it) Co-Codamol 30/500. Sometimes I think my doctor's are seriously having a joke. Will take my night time meds in a bit and relax or at least try to with a coffee and some "herbal medicine" although that to only dulls the pain a tiny bit. But what can I do when my so called Dr's refuse to understand the pain - a lot of which is from my back which as yet they have not treated even though they have seen I have degenerative spinal wear & tear and a prolapsed disk, at least I have physio for that in about a fortnight. But seems to be if I didn't have fibro they might have actually treated that, but then even the diagnosis of fibromyalgia seems like a cop-out, considering the diagnosis is fibro plus a list of other things. In my opinion they should be looking at all the separate illnesses and symptoms and piecing them together like a jigsaw and trying to figure out what causes all these things considering they all started from the trigger point. Every day new symptoms appear and so far there have been so many and with my mind being all foggy it is often hard to remember them all when I see my GP or I feel there is too many things and not enough time. Most of the time I feel I am having to repeat myself with them over and over as they still aren't really treating the pain, which fair enough I know it is hard for GPs but they are not the ones struggling daily with the pain. Each time I go to see another specialist at the hospital I feel as if there is something in my notes I am not being told. Take for example yesterday when I was at the haematologist and he said "The very complicated and complex diagnosis the rheumatologist has gave you" and silly me didn't ask what in fact that diagnosis was - would he say that if it was simply fibromyalgia? I'm not so sure. The when talking about blood results he said "But we expect some abnormal results in someone like you / with your diagnosis". Can't remember exact words but along those lines, think I may need to buy a Dictaphone and take it with me to appointments. Again to me that doesn't seem true to someone with Fibro - I'm not sure I am new to this but have read up quite a lot on it and while true a lot of the symptoms are covered in FMS, a lot of them aren't. I also have Hypermobility forgot to mention that at the start. So what connects all these things or am I just unlucky enough to have got a handful of separate illnesses at the one time. I will need to list them all down and see if anyone else with fibro has all them, but not just now my brain hurts to much. I am baffled and confused and feel I am fighting a losing battle.TaintedNTorturedhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00958208780423948351noreply@blogger.com0