Things just are NOT good.
The fact I am sitting crying for no reason, well apart from remembering
and feeling shit I just don’t want to. I
stood taking my nightly meds out of bag (not all of them however) and as tears
filled my eyes and rolled over to spill down my cheeks I thought how easy it
would be just to take them all and at first I thought just a passing thought
because of shit that’s happened and the way my mind works. Realised no Amitriptyline in bag so went
upstairs to get it out of another humongous bag of unused meds the thought
became a lot more prominent, pop out a couple of amitriptyline come down stairs
and as I stood numb on the spot glancing at the time it was more than just a
thought, it became an option and that is not good. Just as well I’m shit at making decisions and
inside am just too scared to do it. I
managed to shake the thought off, but not with the ease I would have wished. I
took my meds as I should (again not all them however) and I cried some
more. The reason I don’t do it is
because the love and respect I have for my partner and daughter, If I did that
he would hate me, and not just the normal kind, that soul destroying kind that
would take away every bit of good and just fill it with hate and a) I cannot
live or die for that matter with the thought of him hating me b) I will not be the person that destroys him
like that, I love him so much and sometimes I don’t even think he realises
that. I wouldn’t do that to her either,
I want her to grown up knowing how much I love her and how much I’ll fight and
struggle through in this fucked up nightmare that is my life.
Sometimes I sit for a long time just staring at the mirror,
most times I don’t even realise in a world of pain going through everything I
think and feel, everything I have been through. Never saying a word but talking
to the only person that ever has and ever will truly understand me, my
reflection, the girl in the mirror. I
cry for her and I cry for me, she sees and is the only one who can ever really
see who I am and just how fucked up we both are.
But I never speak of these things or the things I can only
share with her, that sad little girl in the mirror. I look closer and I see how sunken our eyes
have become and wonder why no-one ever told me. I destroy myself and her
together and she cries out at me to get better, to make her pretty, to make her
feel beautiful again.
I think of all the things I’ll never have said or I wouldn’t
have told someone if they were gone – like my mother I’d tell that yes for a
long time I did blame her for what happened to me and I know she blames herself
but I was wrong because deep inside I know it wasn’t her fault and yeah things may
have been different and that fact can’t change but I think maybe for a long time
I needed someone to blame, I blamed myself and sometimes still do. I blame myself for her leaving me and I know
things couldn’t have been easy with an undiagnosed mental health problem, I
would say however hard it was for her to hear that I wish she hadn’t told me
she had left because she couldn’t handle me because in all honesty that did
fuck me up a little bit more. But in a
way it has made me a more determined mum because I will never leave.
I would tell my partner that I want him to know how truly
sorry I am that I betrayed him at the start of our relationship, I have no
excuse, I want young, stupid, hurt and scared but I know he has never truly
forgave me and I don’t think he ever will and I don’t blame him for that, there
are things in our relationship he has done to hurt me and sometimes I think in
a way it’s a unknown punishment for what I did.
I fucked up and we have both hurt each other but when I comes to it he
is the one that has been there since I was 16, the one who has set his own life
aside to care for me and our daughter when she came along, he has been the one
to pick up the pieces when everything has fell apart, he has stood by me when most
people would have ran a mile. He has the
hardest job in the world and not only do I love and thank him for doing it but
I admire him. His strength and courage especially when he has had to push his
own feelings to the side to be there for me and be strong for me when inside he
has been falling apart. We fit together,
I don’t think we will ever truly understand each other and we will always have our
disagreements and be at loggerheads on certain things but when it comes down to
it I truly believe we need each other, I live for him and our daughter and in a
heartbeat I’d die for them.
I’d tell my dad that he is my hero, my whole world and I
love him so much. Throughout my life he
is the only person that has always been there, who sometimes says the wrong
thing but when I truly need him knows just what to say to make it all seem a
bit better. All I ever wanted was for
him to be proud of me. And I wish I had
stuck in at school, went to college and uni and made something of myself. Sometimes I have felt he is ashamed of me and
has tried to hide who I really am, but in his own way I think partly it is to
protect me and partly to protect himself.
I don’t know what I will do without him when he is gone, which everyone
inevitably will be and that scares me so much.
I long for him to tell me he’s proud of me but by doing something which
makes him proud. I want him to know how
immensely proud I am of him, for a lot of things but I know being a single
father to two girls can’t have been easy.
I want him to know I need him and that even though I know it was not my
fault I am sorry I broke his hard and took his happiness away when I told him
what had been happening, I look back and tell13 year old me better words to
say, but mostly I want to tell him simply Thank You, and that is for everything.
I’d tell my daughter she is my everything and I am so, so proud of her. My little mini me with the craziest mind of her own, only her and her daddy can make me smile and happy and infuriate me so much. She is our beautiful little genius and changed my life. I never knew of an overwhelming love and fear for everything they do, well I kind of feel that way about her daddy to. She makes me cry but no-one can pick me up the way her cute awesomeness can, she truly is awesome by the literal meaning, I am and always have been in awe of her, she amazes me and makes me laugh. She keeps me going when I need to fall apart (yes need because I don’t ever want to. I know she is going to be very successful in everything she does, I want to always be her friend, her guidance yet being a good enough mum to put my foot down even if that means she dislikes me. She is my little miracle, the baby that made it and I am thankful every day that I was blessed with her and it hurts me that I can’t give her a sibling but I know one day she will understand. And though I want for another baby (desperately at times) I know I am lucky and blessed to have her even if we never have any more.
To my baby angels, Hope, Sam and my 4 nameless little
stars. Nothing will ever describe the
pain of losing you, the hole in my heart that died with each of you. This will be short because there are no words
that I can write that explain what I feel.
I love and miss each of you with every breath, every heartbeat. To Sam, because you were so real, I know that
sounds stupid because all of you were real, but my little Sam, my tears fall
for you all too often, I seen you, I held you.
You got tore away from me again and again and I write this with the same
tears and heartbreak as the day I lost you, nothing will ever heal that
pain. I remember you dancing about on
that little screen exactly 3 hours before you were gone and in that moment part
of me died. I worry that you will have felt pain, that it was the birth that
killed you, did you take a breath? And I
know that you couldn’t have lived because I was only 16 weeks but you were
fully formed, just so, so little. I just
think how happy you were dancing about on that little screen and then you were
gone.
I need to stop now as I am in full blown tears, snot and
all, hurting and feeling. I wish I could
sleep, I wish something could numb the pain even just for a little while and
not just my physical pain from my concoction of weird and not so wonderful
fucked up illnesses – but that’s a story for another day.
A friend once said a very true thing “she must dement
herself with all that going on in her head” and while that is true, it’s not
even the half of it. I often think there
must be a reason why all this has happened and continues to happen to me and
most times my conclusion is it is some sort of punishment, I’m just trying to
work out for what or which thing is punishment for each bad thing I have ever
done.
