Let me be free

As I lie here, well sit perched up in my bed I think too much about too many things.  When does this become more bearable?  When does the pain and illness reach a peak?  Because for a "Non-degenerative" disease/illness/whatever the hell this is it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse.  Most of the time the pain is just so unbearable.

I don't want to live like this,with this daily pains coursing its way through me making me iller and iller and sometimes it seems no-one can understand.  There is only so much moaning they can take and I'm all talked out.  I just want to be normal, happy,pain free.  Not have to suffer any more, is that too much to ask?  Is it too much to want?  Too much to dream?

I have found that I am not interested in a lot of the things in which I was. Finding myself bored by them, maybe because they seem pointless.  Pointless things when you feel like you are dying, when you are so scared and questioning your own mortality.

And that is how I feel  - like I am dying.  The illness, the pain.  I try to be strong, try to pretend it doesn't hurt as much that I am not terrified.  But I am.  I just want to be free from its chains.