Just Me!

I often wonder about my life and the point to it, my brain never stops all these random thoughts and memories bombarding me that i can never switch off.  I am so, so angry and agitated all the time about everything and i just want it to stop. I look at myself and I see everything and nothing.  And anger..... So much anger, some days it blinds me.  I want to make it stop, be at peace and be free.  Free from my own messed up mind.

I long to be understood, but know no one can understand.  No-one can understand all the constant hurdles and torments my life has thrown at me.  Unless someone has been through the exact same things all of their lives, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.  Now that being said I know people however can sympathise, but that still only goes so far and there are things maybe about your personality that they will never understand and that maybe even anger them.  Things about the little things that you are, and the way your brain so geniusly (I know that's not a word) but dumbly works, things that you have no words to explain to other people, many of those frustrated "Oh, I can't explain it" conversations.  I can never find my words from brain to mouth or fingers to explain what I mean or what is in my head.

I wish I coud just let it all out, maybe on this i think maybe someone will hear me, understand if not the facts as they will never know all of them but the feelings, most likely not for the same things altogether but an understanding, knowing someone has heard me.  I don't even understand myself.  I fear I am going to destroy everyone around we with my anger and fear, and everything is falling apart.  I am.  Maybe I am to blame.  I just want help.  I want it to all go away, I don't want to be this person anymore.

But what can I do?  What can I ever do?  My life just always comes back to this, my brain always playing the same way no matter how far I come at trying to beat it, it always beats me back down with the overload of memories reminding me of who I am and why I'm so fucked up.

I will never be the person I want to be, the person I dream of being because it always strikes again.  I wnat so badly to change, to for once feel free with who I am and not trapped inside, desperate to escape from myself.  And this is pretty much the way I always feel, trying everyday to try to be happy, to try and seem happy, to try to forget. Trying to try.  And it's so hard but everyday I face another and someone I get through each day but I feel more wore down, more anxious, more ready to explode.  I really need help.

But I know I will keep surviving because that is what I do. I survive.  This is just me and I know there's probably mistakes and typos and the kind of things that would annoy me but my mind is a bit weary tonight.