Until the day I die I will KEEP FIGHTING

I was going to add a support my blog button but when I went to set up google merchant account it seems that you need to be an actual business.  Oh well that's that idea down the drain.

If anyone wants to donate to me and support my blog feel free to message me for details lol.  Any money would go towards a car to help me get out and about lol.  Aww well worth a try lol.

Think I would feel guilty taking money off you good people anyway but was going to add the support my blog button so if people wanted to they could seems it is in a lot of blogs.  But that's not what my blog is about anyway, at one point I think I will set up a Just Giving Fibro Page as I already have a Hughes Syndrome one and have so far raised £372.94 plus gift aid supplement of £39.43.

Have thought about contacting Noel's Christmas Presents because after everything I have been through I think I deserve something nice.  I sure as hell don't deserve all this bad luck and everything that has been flung my way.

But here is the thing I struggle to ask for any kind of help never mind asking for something for nothing, that's not really who I am.  Maybe I should be more like that as a lot of people seem to get a lot of help and things to make their lives easier by doing this.  But the things I want aren't for me they are for my family unit and more so for my daughter to give her the life she deserves the kind of life I never had.  Yeah there are things I want for myself like nice clothes, some new perfume, nice things for my bedroom but in my eyes they are not necessities I would rather get things for my daughter, then my hubby, then the house, then maybe myself but rather than ever getting the things I need for myself I will always put others first and get things for them because at the end of the day what I really want is my health and I can't have that.  Seeing other people happy makes me happy.  Don't get me wrong I love little gifts just as much as the next person but I like making other people happy.

I feel guilty for taking help that I should be getting never mind anything else and because I don't ever ask for help it gets to me when I do eg at the doctors and you basically just get ignored.  I am a very proud person and I wish I could have the energy to cook and clean and be the perfect wife and mother but I can't.  Even before I "got ill" I have been plagued all my life with the most horrible depression and anxiety which means sometimes when I am in a very depressive spell yeah I do lack motivation, energy and get up and go.  I wish I wasn't like this, but wishing won't change a thing.  Nothing will change what happened to me and all the things that continue to happen, things that to an extent have ruined my life ..... Some people have a LOT to answer for.  But all of those things are what made me who I am today and all I can do is keep being strong.  Who knows if all the things in my life hadn't happened I would be a different person, a stronger person, a happier person .... but one thing I could never be is a braver person.  Because only recently have I realised that yes I am in fact one of the most brave, resilient people I know.  I may not feel like that at times and at times I don't feel strong and I don't know if I can cope but at those times I will look back on this right here and remind myself that I can do it, I can get through it and with my hubby and daughter by my side I can get through anything this life throws at me because I have hit rock bottom many times and been heartbroken, lost, scared and confused.  I have been angry, suicidal and felt alone.  I have hurt myself and pushed those close to me away but one thing I have always done with the help of my hubby is manage to claw my way back up and stay strong and keep fighting because I will NOT let these things beat me.  I AM stronger than that, I WILL keep fighting and I REFUSE to let these things destroy me.  I will smile when I am sad, I will laugh through the tears, I will swallow down my anger to deal with when I am feeling stronger and I WILL NOT LET THIS OR ANYTHING ELSE BEAT ME!!!!  I deserve to be happy, I deserve to have an opinion and what I say does matter.  I am allowed to speak my mind without worrying about what others will say but not be mean or nasty while doing so.  I deserve to walk with my head held high because I have SURVIVED through so much that a lot of others wouldn't have.  I have kept on fighting and never gave in, I have been close - I have self harmed and took an overdose in the years before my daughter was born but I will never ever allow myself to give in EVER, because then I have let the things that hurt me win.

I am struggling a bit more with the stairs today, every bit of me from my waist down is in agony - from waist up too but need my bottom half for stairs, It's really P**sing me off but I won't let it beat me and I won't let it define me.

Until the day I die I will KEEP FIGHTING and I will STAY STRONG

Thank You for listening x