New Blog??? I need opinions

I'm Back!!!!
Again I haven't posted in a very long time, almost a year I think.  The problem a lot of the time was trying to stick to the one topic when really I feel that there is so much more I want to talk about and need to talk about, rather than "Just" Fibromyalgia.
So I am in a bit of a quandary as I loved doing this when I could and hoping my words could help and inspire people, but I want to write about Soooo much more.
I don't know whether to keep this blog and just change the name, or to just start a new one altogether, but then the work that I did put into this I worked very hard at.
My life is so much more than Fibromyalgia and maybe I am just realising that, I want to share so much more than just that and appeal to a wider variety.
For example I draw and would love to share my work and get some opinions,  I'm by far not the greatest by I enjoy it and I do try,  I write Poetry and the same goes for that.  I read books, I am addicted to books, they are a HUGE part of my life, along with music and I like sharing opinions on these too or other things that excite me eg 3 weeks from today, I am getting MARRIED!!!!. 
I just want to share so much with the world as well as try and help.  I don't know what to do.  I need some opinions. 
I am worried that the people who follow my blog and who can relate to it may feel a bit betrayed, Oh I don't know.  I know in my own head what I mean.  I think it would be easier for me to keep up with a blog to which I can post anything and everything. 
Something that is Just me, all of me and not just a little part.  That each day could take you down a totally different path while still talking about Fibromyalgia and my other illnesses and the HUGE impact that they actually have on my life. 
I want or I need to add some fun and happiness and talk about things that make me feel like this, now here comes the problem.  I don't do "Happy" writing.  I write better when I'm in the grips of Depression, when I'm struggling and suffocating under the strain of life.  But even the I "WRITE", good old fashioned pen and paper crazy ramblings.  I have books and books of them, and though I find people would find them hard to read, I feel they would "Enjoy" them because they are my best work.
I would love one day to get my work published, but then again this scares me as it is deeply personal and would probably need to be highly edited.
My life story I believe would astound and interest people especially if you read the Biography style books like "A child called it", "Sickened" both of which I have read, Real life stories that can grip the world.  Unbelievable stories that "Only happen to other people".  My life story is like that, in so many ways, on so many different subjects, over and over again.
People that know my story have often questioned how so much pain and heartache, and bad things I suppose can happen to one person and they still have some of their sanity, still get out of bed every morning.  And I wont lie, a lot of the time it is extremely difficult.  Living life waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  But I don't want to live like that, but I also don't want to hide who I am or what has happened to me. 
There is always someone worse off, but I can relate to so many things on the most personal level.  My creativity and my writing, drawings, poetry etc is who I am inside and often at my darkness.  Even when there is light in my life, the darkness will always be there and it's how I cope.  How I express who I am.  One thing I have always done and I believe I always will do is; Have hope and believe, Believe in something better, believe I was meant for more than this and meant to be greater, believe that everything I have went through and will go through is for a reason, even when I feel like giving in.  The world doesn't know my story yet, I haven't inspired them yet and I can't ever be done until I do.
Anyway I would like some thoughts and opinions on what to do blog-wise.

Thank you all for listening again

The Girl in the Mirror

Things just are NOT good.  The fact I am sitting crying for no reason, well apart from remembering and feeling shit I just don’t want to.  I stood taking my nightly meds out of bag (not all of them however) and as tears filled my eyes and rolled over to spill down my cheeks I thought how easy it would be just to take them all and at first I thought just a passing thought because of shit that’s happened and the way my mind works.  Realised no Amitriptyline in bag so went upstairs to get it out of another humongous bag of unused meds the thought became a lot more prominent, pop out a couple of amitriptyline come down stairs and as I stood numb on the spot glancing at the time it was more than just a thought, it became an option and that is not good.  Just as well I’m shit at making decisions and inside am just too scared to do it.  I managed to shake the thought off, but not with the ease I would have wished. I took my meds as I should (again not all them however) and I cried some more.  The reason I don’t do it is because the love and respect I have for my partner and daughter, If I did that he would hate me, and not just the normal kind, that soul destroying kind that would take away every bit of good and just fill it with hate and a) I cannot live or die for that matter with the thought of him hating me  b) I will not be the person that destroys him like that, I love him so much and sometimes I don’t even think he realises that.  I wouldn’t do that to her either, I want her to grown up knowing how much I love her and how much I’ll fight and struggle through in this fucked up nightmare that is my life. 

Sometimes I sit for a long time just staring at the mirror, most times I don’t even realise in a world of pain going through everything I think and feel, everything I have been through. Never saying a word but talking to the only person that ever has and ever will truly understand me, my reflection, the girl in the mirror.  I cry for her and I cry for me, she sees and is the only one who can ever really see who I am and just how fucked up we both are.

But I never speak of these things or the things I can only share with her, that sad little girl in the mirror.  I look closer and I see how sunken our eyes have become and wonder why no-one ever told me. I destroy myself and her together and she cries out at me to get better, to make her pretty, to make her feel beautiful again.

I think of all the things I’ll never have said or I wouldn’t have told someone if they were gone – like my mother I’d tell that yes for a long time I did blame her for what happened to me and I know she blames herself but I was wrong because deep inside I know it wasn’t her fault and yeah things may have been different and that fact can’t change but I think maybe for a long time I needed someone to blame, I blamed myself and sometimes still do.  I blame myself for her leaving me and I know things couldn’t have been easy with an undiagnosed mental health problem, I would say however hard it was for her to hear that I wish she hadn’t told me she had left because she couldn’t handle me because in all honesty that did fuck me up a little bit more.  But in a way it has made me a more determined mum because I will never leave.

I would tell my partner that I want him to know how truly sorry I am that I betrayed him at the start of our relationship, I have no excuse, I want young, stupid, hurt and scared but I know he has never truly forgave me and I don’t think he ever will and I don’t blame him for that, there are things in our relationship he has done to hurt me and sometimes I think in a way it’s a unknown punishment for what I did.  I fucked up and we have both hurt each other but when I comes to it he is the one that has been there since I was 16, the one who has set his own life aside to care for me and our daughter when she came along, he has been the one to pick up the pieces when everything has fell apart, he has stood by me when most people would have ran a mile.  He has the hardest job in the world and not only do I love and thank him for doing it but I admire him. His strength and courage especially when he has had to push his own feelings to the side to be there for me and be strong for me when inside he has been falling apart.  We fit together, I don’t think we will ever truly understand  each other and we will always have our disagreements and be at loggerheads on certain things but when it comes down to it I truly believe we need each other, I live for him and our daughter and in a heartbeat I’d die for them.

I’d tell my dad that he is my hero, my whole world and I love him so much.  Throughout my life he is the only person that has always been there, who sometimes says the wrong thing but when I truly need him knows just what to say to make it all seem a bit better.  All I ever wanted was for him to be proud of me.  And I wish I had stuck in at school, went to college and uni and made something of myself.  Sometimes I have felt he is ashamed of me and has tried to hide who I really am, but in his own way I think partly it is to protect me and partly to protect himself.  I don’t know what I will do without him when he is gone, which everyone inevitably will be and that scares me so much.  I long for him to tell me he’s proud of me but by doing something which makes him proud.  I want him to know how immensely proud I am of him, for a lot of things but I know being a single father to two girls can’t have been easy.  I want him to know I need him and that even though I know it was not my fault I am sorry I broke his hard and took his happiness away when I told him what had been happening, I look back and tell13 year old me better words to say, but mostly I want to tell him simply Thank You, and that is for everything.

I’d tell my daughter she is my everything and I am so, so proud of her.  My little mini me with the craziest mind of her own, only her and her daddy can make me smile and happy and infuriate me so much.  She is our beautiful little genius and changed my life.  I never knew of an overwhelming love and fear for everything they do, well I kind of feel that way about her daddy to.  She makes me cry but no-one can pick me up the way her cute awesomeness can, she truly is awesome by the literal meaning, I am and always have been in awe of her, she amazes me and makes me laugh.  She keeps me going when I need to fall apart (yes need because I don’t ever want to.  I know she is going to be very successful in everything she does, I want to always be her friend, her guidance yet being a good enough mum to put my foot down even if that means she dislikes me.  She is my little miracle, the baby that made it and I am thankful every day that I was blessed with her and it hurts me that I can’t give her a sibling but I know one day she will understand.  And though I want for another baby (desperately at times) I know I am lucky and blessed to have her even if we never have any more.

To my baby angels, Hope, Sam and my 4 nameless little stars.  Nothing will ever describe the pain of losing you, the hole in my heart that died with each of you.  This will be short because there are no words that I can write that explain what I feel.  I love and miss each of you with every breath, every heartbeat.  To Sam, because you were so real, I know that sounds stupid because all of you were real, but my little Sam, my tears fall for you all too often, I seen you, I held you.  You got tore away from me again and again and I write this with the same tears and heartbreak as the day I lost you, nothing will ever heal that pain.  I remember you dancing about on that little screen exactly 3 hours before you were gone and in that moment part of me died. I worry that you will have felt pain, that it was the birth that killed you, did you take a breath?  And I know that you couldn’t have lived because I was only 16 weeks but you were fully formed, just so, so little.  I just think how happy you were dancing about on that little screen and then you were gone.

I need to stop now as I am in full blown tears, snot and all, hurting and feeling.  I wish I could sleep, I wish something could numb the pain even just for a little while and not just my physical pain from my concoction of weird and not so wonderful fucked up illnesses – but that’s a story for another day.

A friend once said a very true thing “she must dement herself with all that going on in her head” and while that is true, it’s not even the half of it.  I often think there must be a reason why all this has happened and continues to happen to me and most times my conclusion is it is some sort of punishment, I’m just trying to work out for what or which thing is punishment for each bad thing I have ever done.

My Diagnosis's

OK so here goes so far my illnesses/diagnosis's

Fibromyalgia
Joint hypermobility syndrome
Degenerative Spinal wear & tear / Prolapsed Disk
Colitis & 2 places on colon oozing blood (yet then My GP told me biopsy's were clear even though they seen it during colonoscopy)
Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (& Swollen Optic Nerves)(Causes Pressure Headaches)
Antiphospholipid Syndrome (Hughes Syndrome) (Told me this was cause of my recurrent miscarriages which I've had 4, 1 of them at 14 1/2 weeks and 1 at 16 weeks)(However blood tests now show as negative)
Migraines
Recurrent Miscarriages
Abnormal Liver Function
Psoriasis
Positive ANA blood Test (which has since been negative)
Depression
Anxiety
Tiny cyst on one ovary
Hiatus Hernia
IBS

Other symptoms also include
Hair falling out and what looks like bald patches
Strange rashes and new allergies eg playdough, baby wipes, medical tape...
All over muscle/joint/bone pain
Random Swelling
Unexplained bruising
Excessive Sweating
Constant Temperature Fluctuations
Extreme Fatigue
Constant Gagging
Nausea
Blood in my vomit
Severe daily diarrhoea
Throat seizing up
Difficulty swallowing Medication
Severe stabbing stomach and bowel pain
Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction when I was pregnant with daughter
Chronic hip pain
Electrical pulse pains up my spine
Sciatica
Regular Thrush Infections
Severe Pain during sex
Chest pains
Pseudo-Dementia Fibro Fog could explain this)
Yellowing skin on eyelids
Constant redness across my cheeks looks bit like rosacea
Weight Loss
Abdominal Swelling
Fast Pulse
Stabbing pain in eyeballs
Itchy eyes
Generally feeling unwell and run down
Also when I am pregnant and my waters break I go into full blown constant labour (when this happened with my daughter I was in constant labour but wouldn't dilate past 3 Cm's, when I had miscarriage at 16 weeks I gave birth about 30 Min's after waters breaking maybe not even that)
When Pregnant with my daughter also had dilated Kidney

This is all I can think of at the moment there is probably more.

To me I think they may be missing something, surely there is something that covers everything because a lot of these thing only became problematic after the trigger point which was in June 2010 when I had miscarriage at 16 weeks, also exactly one week after miscarriage I had blackout/seizure and when I came round I had wet myself yet this was never investigated as a lot of the things haven't been.

Any suggestions?

Yummy Scrummyness

Just had my dinner tonight I had Steak Pie, Chips, Broccoli and Bread & Butter.  It was yummy scrummy deliciousness, thank you to my wonderful hubby for making it.  But now as usual after every time I eat I had bad stabbing pains in my stomach and weird jaggy pains in my mouth.  I hate that every time I have a meal I get excruciating stomach and bowel pains.

The unrecognised carers, Thank You!

Having a really bad day today I feel so ill, have a really really bad migraine that won't go away.  I have took my migraine wafer and strong painkillers but it still wont shift.  Feel to warm, too sore and just really crappy.

However I done my hair and makeup to go to the shop and while I though I looked and felt crappy (really dry skin on my head, hair seems really greasy today) I came down the stairs and my darling hubby told me I looked really good before I even said that I felt like crap and thought I looked the same lol.  Have not done make-up all last week because for some reason I keep getting abnormal rashes and reactions to things that I was previously fine with, plus I've not really been feeling up to it.  So waiting for the facial explosion lol, that's just my luck.

I have to say it is my hubby and daughter that keep me going especially on days like this, as much as they both drive me cuckoo at times I wouldn't change them for the world.  He has been my carer for 10 nearly 11 years since we met through my depression etc but in the 22 month since I "got ill" and gradually got worse over the last year or so he has had to take on a much greater job as my carer while still being my partner and a father to our daughter while keeping in mind that minus the physical illnesses I still have Mental Health Problems and he still needs to watch out for the warning signs and triggers to a depressive stage.

I don't think he or other carers get enough recognition for what they actually have to do and it winds me up.

Meanwhile I made it to the shop even feeling like this and got the few wee bits and bobs we needed, while coming back i was crossing road when a smart ass in a black Honda decides after he turns corner which was a wee bit away from where I was to slam the foot on the Accelerator ... Oh my god I am crossing the road with a walking stick and was on the road before you even turned your car round the corner which I am not even near, wouldn't be that if the idiot had actually hit me - Boils my blood, hate ass holes like that.

My daughter continues to screech and cry and fly of the handle for no reason.  I can't stand it especially when I have a migraine and feel like this.  I love her to bits but wish she would just behave and listen.  The screechy screechiness goes right through me and the constant moods and crying about everything.  ARGGGGH.

I love her so much but sometimes it is a struggle to manage with her.  She is a very high maintenance and full on little girl and very hyper.  Don't think people realise how hard it is sometimes especially when you have no-one to babysit or take her off your hands for a day or night.  Think most other people with children have some kind of support network but we do not, that in itself is hard for anyone with a child but for someone who is very ill too it is sometimes a constant struggle.  She is 4 going on 14 and a little genius and I know that this and because she needs constant stimulation which due to me being unwell I can't always give her contributes to her attitude and moods.  All I want is to be a good mother and for her to be happy and healthy.

At the end of the day she is my wee miracle and you need to take the rough with the smooth.  She is outspoken, grumpy and highly strung a bit like me lol but she is also beautiful, smart, funny, caring, helpful, silly, wonderful, amazing little smarty pants and I love her to the moon and back.  She and her daddy are my full world and without them I wouldn't be here.  So to them I Love You Always and Forever - Yous are both my strength and weakness, my life, my love, my happiness and the light at the end of the tunnel.  Yous keep me strong and keep me fighting and give me something to fight for.  Yous drive me crazy but I love yous all the same.  Yous make me whole and keep me going and for that I am thankful, because even though in my life I have had a mountain to deal with I have both of you and that helps make it easier.

I would like everyone to be thankful for there family, the ones who sometimes forget how much us being ill actually affects.  The ones that are there for you day in day out struggling along with us.  And to they people I would like to thank on the behalf of anyone who is ill because yous make our lives a little bit more bearable.

Thank You!

Hot Cross Buns

Just had a wee nice toasted hot cross buns with some butter.  Rather tasty.  However Burnt my finger again, see that why I shouldn't use the cooker, blooming fool that I am.  Need to go up and get ready to go to shop can't be bothered but needs must.  Have a few stressful things I need to vent about but don't know that I'm totally ready yet but it will come.

So far I don't really know how well I will do at this blogging.  I would love to be one of those people that people just want to read everything they write, suppose that is the artistic, creative writer in me.

My dream would be my blogs being made into a book how awesome would that be, I know it can happen but don't really think my writing is interesting or eloquent enough.  Mind you that could just be my obsession with books.  I often feel my life story would make an interesting read to others, haha I could be rich beyond my wildest dreams, but that kind of thing only happens to other people not me.  I am the person when you read all these messed up things that happen to people you think yeah that only happens to other people.  Think I may just be one of the unluckiest people ever, yet I live my live trying to be as nice as I can yet constant shit is always flung my way.  In life even one of the things that has happened to me would be hard to deal with but everything together is just a damn joke.  Sometimes I do think "Why me, why is it always me?" but then I can't live my life like that it won't change a thing and no doubt all the hardships I have already experienced is not the last of them.  So I need to try and be strong for me, my daughter and my hubby.  Without them I would be nothing.

I am not feeling sorry for myself or wanting sympathy, it won't change anything.  I just want to be understood..

First of the day

Well today this is my first entry of the day have been up since about 10 but takes me a while to come round in the morning.  Definitely feel mornings are worse the pain when I wake up is unbearable and if I didn't have a wee one I'd roll back over and sleep all day.  In the morning my back pain is indescribable.  Today I feel quite yucky again, bowels are sore, migraine kinda teetering on the edge of coming and I just feel so sore.  It is hard to comprehend that this is what my life will be like - people say Fibromyalgia isn't degenerative.  Well for me it's just always getting worse - the pain, the fatigue, the general feeling just so damn unwell.  So conventionally it may not be degenerative in the way a lot of other diseases are but I have to feel to a point that it is.  Yeah there are flare up and remission periods and I have not had it long enough to judge.  But even in remission periods I am still in constant pain just not as much as the "flare ups".  During so called flare ups I just feel so generally unwell and so ill and people don't seem to get that.  I AM ILL - just sometimes more than others.  But I push myself to do more than I probably should then end up burning out.  Last week I was so ill, the worst day I would have happily went to sleep and never woke up.  But I continue to fight.

I have just moved house and know I pushed myself way to hard on the days I was able to and probably even on the days I wasn't really.  I didn't listen to my body because I couldn't I didn't have a choice but to do things. Is that why I ended up so ill.  Can it really be classed as remission and flare ups when remission may only last a few hours or a few days at the most and during that time I am in constant pain but maybe not feeling as ill, sick, crappy as if I'd happily never wake up - this doesn't mean I'm suicidal, I've been there before; before I "got ill". So am I in a constant flare up?  Does anyone have remissions where they are not sore, feel good and well?  Or is this maybe because - as I feel - there is something more than fibromyalgia? There is something the doctors are either missing or not telling me.  After my coffee I will list my known so called "separate" illnesses.  I feel they are all connected and not just to Fibromyalgia.  I feel Fibro is a symptom rather than a cause or diagnosis in my case.

How can I fight what in my heart and head I know isn't the only problem?  How can I get doctors to listen?  They can't see the pain, can't feel how ill I feel.  I am a young woman.  I am only in my late 20's.  This is not usual.  Pissed off because I feel like I will always be fighting a losing battle.

Night Night

Finally going to go to my bed try and get some sleep as my eyes are stinging.  Stomach cramps are playing up again... Will go before I fall asleep on the couch again

Night Night World and Thanks for listening xxx

Changed my Mind

No wait I am blaming damn fibro meds, only when I started on Amytriptaline the night-time hunger started and got worse as dosage increased and it's night I take them at.  Just had 3 oreos and nomming through my second chunk of tiger bred with utterly buttery on it, real butter would be better but needs must and it needed eaten.  Could never do The Atkins Diet - I Love Bread

Crunchy Nut Cornflakes

I think I have a serious addiction to crunchy nut cornflakes. Damn Fibro Meds.  Every night around this time I need a bowl and I can never find a bowl big enough so need to go back and top up the crunchy deliciousness, the adverts for it are so true but I'd need a small bowl and top ups otherwise they'd go too soggy and I like the yummy crunchiness .  Tonight I am having them with a chopped up banana in it, not had that in ages and forgot how super delicious it was.  I just wished they stayed crunchy though, or maybe I eat too slow but I like to savour their crunchy deliciousness and enjoy every bite.  I'll be putting back on all that weight I lost, but I suppose I usually just have 1 meal a day and lately had been struggling to eat.  I always have preferred breakfast at supper time.  Just noticed all the spelling mistakes, not happy that's not me .... thank heavens for spell checks - MISTAKES BE GONE!!!!!! (swoosh swoosh swoosh)

Just realised I blamed Poor Fibro Meds, I should have said Damn 101million different illness meds but that's not quite got the same ring to it.  Maybe it's just as well they don't give me all the medicine's I should get for all the different illness, I'm already thinking of taking out shares in the pharmacies and medicine companies with the amount I get.

Oh and PS - My knees are burning and in agony, it is spreading up my hip and full left side. Everywhere hurts but there are bits that feel like they are on fire, my eyes are stinging and my hands are frozen.  Think it's about time for bed.

Forgetting My passwords

Had mucked up, too many tabs and two different web browsers open to check my seperate accounts went to log back in and BAM wrog password.  Now I know at least one of them I entered was correct as I only made the account earlier today.  So had to reset and create new password.  Damn you Fibro Fog

Some Interesting Reading

Roanoke Chiropractor Thoughts on Fibromyalgia

http://www.chiropractorroanokeva.com/roanoke-chiropractor-thoughts-on-fibromyalgia/

Had a quick scan through - although I will need to have a proper read at it and take some notes when my head isn't so sore.  Just took my painkillers (although they don't even touch the pain never mind kill it) Co-Codamol 30/500.  Sometimes I think my doctor's are seriously having a joke.  Will take my night time meds in a bit and relax or at least try to with a coffee and some "herbal medicine" although that to only dulls the pain a tiny bit.  But what can I do when my so called Dr's refuse to understand the pain - a lot of which is from my back which as yet they have not treated even though they have seen I have degenerative spinal wear & tear and a prolapsed disk, at least I have physio for that in about a fortnight.  But seems to be if I didn't have fibro they might have actually treated that, but then even the diagnosis of fibromyalgia seems like a cop-out, considering the diagnosis is fibro plus a list of other things.  In my opinion they should be looking at all the separate illnesses and symptoms and piecing them together like a jigsaw and trying to figure out what causes all these things considering they all started from the trigger point.  Every day new symptoms appear and so far there have been so many and with my mind being all foggy it is often hard to remember them all when I see my GP or I feel there is too many things and not enough time.  Most of the time I feel I am having to repeat myself with them over and over as they still aren't really treating the pain, which fair enough I know it is hard for GPs but they are not the ones struggling daily with the pain.  Each time I go to see another specialist at the hospital I feel as if there is something in my notes I am not being told.  Take for example yesterday when I was at the haematologist and he said "The very complicated and complex diagnosis the rheumatologist has gave you" and silly me didn't ask what in fact that diagnosis was - would he say that if it was simply fibromyalgia? I'm not so sure.  The when talking about blood results he said "But we expect some abnormal results in someone like you / with your diagnosis".  Can't remember exact words but along those lines, think I may need to buy a Dictaphone and take it with me to appointments.  Again to me that doesn't seem true to someone with Fibro - I'm not sure I am new to this but have read up quite a lot on it and while true a lot of the symptoms are covered in FMS, a lot of them aren't.  I also have Hypermobility forgot to mention that at the start.  So what connects all these things or am I just unlucky enough to have got a handful of separate illnesses at the one time.  I will need to list them all down and see if anyone else with fibro has all them, but not just now my brain hurts to much.  I am baffled and confused and feel I am fighting a losing battle.

Baths = Relaxing ..... Really?

Whoever said baths were relaxing?  Not for me it seems.  Firsty as much as I love my wee Daughter baths with her are kind of stressful.  Over the last week I have been exremely unwell and firsty developed a rash on my neck (which looks like blitered goosebumps) then I was sick and got a horrible rash on my face which looked like broken blood vessels and bruising all over my face.  The facial rash has gone now however the one on my neck is still there and when I go for a bath it gets even more itchy and feels as if my skin is crawling.

So tonights bath was NoT relaxing - My rash again is extremely itchy even though I tried using different shower gel - Palmolive which my skin is usually ok with.  So I am thinking it may be the bubble bath.  I have bad psoriasis anyway but my skin now feels really tight, horrible and itchy.  And to make things worse my Right hand and wrist is now in agony and the wrist is a little swollen - the pain is progressing up my arm also.

I hate being like this, I hate being so damn ill, itchy and sore.  I am so bloody fed up with it.  When I can now no longer enjoy a bath. 

What can I do?  I am afraid to even put my make-up or perfume on, just when I had started making sure I did to try and make me feel better.  And for the first time in so long I had felt pretty.  Then Bam this damn illness decides that is not to be.

I just sometimes wish I could wave a wand and everything would be better. 

This sucks so much. 

All Set Up

That's everything all set up - This Blog,
New facebook account - http://www.facebook.com/fibromyalgiawherehasmymindgone?sk=wall
New facebook group -  http://www.facebook.com/groups/216170661821075/
New Twitter - https://twitter.com/#!/TaintedTortured

I'm still not sure how I feel about doing this as I feel worried that people will know it's me and the I won't be able to be truthful about EVERY aspect of my life as I won't want to offend or any confrontation.  I should be able to do this though - for myself and screw what anyone else thinks.  Just still feeling very unsure as it is nearly impossible to be totally anonymous these days.

Just now my heart feels heavy and I feel very anxious which I know I shouldn't be, Maybe it is just writing it all down it then becomes public knowledge.  My thoughts, my feelings - but the full point was to try and help myself and others.  I just don't know - in a way I also feel that no-one will follow this or join my group, twitter ect.  I can't decide whether that is low self esteem or the fact that I wonder why anyone would even be interested in anything I have to say.

I have said for so long that I needed to do this though, even just for myself to look back on and track my feelings and illnesses and memories.

But as much as I fear people reading what is basically my diary, on the other hand feedback and even advice would be good

Feeling unsure and confused Arrrgh

So Finally Figured out how to change time zone.  So time on first post is wrong lol.  Had my dinner had spicy pizza and chips, decided to have some little pickled onions which I feel may have been a bad move as now my belly feels really acidy.  Think it may take me a wee while to get used to this blogging malarky.

Ok so this is my first blog.  I'm wanting to note down my life and how my illnesses affect me among other things.  I have recently been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Spinal wear & tear & Colitis.  I also have other illnesses and problems popping up.  I will note them down in this as they come and as I remember everything.  I have been Plagued with severe depression and anxiety basically all my life which just adds to the problems.  I have always had an exceptional memory but in the last few months have found I am forgetting everything.  Was originally told this could be Pseudo-Dementia because of Depression and the stress of what was then an undiagnosed illness, now it is thought to be "Fibro Fog" Just one of the awesome symptoms of fibromyalgia.  So each day I will document my life, mostly for myself and my own sanity but also in the hope that it may help others who are suffering.  Some parts of this blog may be distressing to others but if it even helps one person feel that they are not alone I will be happy.  I am going to go get my Dinner now and will be back soon.  Let the fun begin xxx