Finding it very hard

I feel I must apologise to you all I started this blog and originally it was supposed to be for me to note down my day to day a bit like a diary for myself to remember and in the hope that it would help others but I failed, I did it for what 3 days?  Then it became too much, too much of a commitment another thing I had to do and because for the last couple of weeks I have been feeling really sore, ill and to be honest just generally shitty I didn't write things down during the time in which I probably should have I buried myself playing online games and generally just trying to take my mind off things and forget.

I am just so tired - Tired of trying, tired of fighting, tired of being in pain, tired of being sad, tired of getting nowhere, tired of not living but merely existing.  I feel so low but I don't think I have told anyone at all just how low.  As I write my eyes fill with tears but I cannot let myself cry because how do I explain to my 4 year old why I am crying why I feel so so sad.

I went to the physio yesterday which the rheumatologist referred my to because of degenerative spinal wear and tear, this was instead of just giving me more medication.  So after explaining all the problems/illnesses eg the thing with my back which I was there for (should she not have known that?) the fibro, the joint hypermobility etc she told me there was basically nothing they could do for me gave me a few exercises and told me if I want to contact them again I have to during the week beginning 28th May otherwise they will assume all is well and discharge me.  What is the point?  All the doctors and other medical "professionals" are doing is passing the buck from one person to another and none of them are actually willing to help me.  She asked if they had gave me any meds yeah Amytriptaline, has it helped at all she asked.  Well, No it hasn't and they refuse to give me anything else because physio was supposed to help me.  What the hell am I supposed to do.  I can't live like this.  My depression is worse, I don't want to leave the house, I can't take my daughter to nursery.  I am the one that has to like in absolute agony every day and no-one seems to care.  Maybe I should stop being so brave, so resilient, so strong.  Maybe then they would see, actually do something.

I know myself I can't give up, I can't let the illnesses win.  But I feel they along with the depression I have suffered all my life due to being sexually abused and everything else I have had to endure have taken everything from me.

I just want to be happy, I don't want a fancy life and fancy things.  I just want to be normal and not feel like this.  Why won't anyone help me.

All my life I try my hardest, I am nice to people.  I don't speak my opinions for fear of upsetting others.  I am a nice person.  What have I done to deserve all this.  Why is it always me?  Why can't I just get a break for once.

As the tears now fall freely I wonder will I ever be free to be happy, to be able to enjoy life.  I hate this.  I do not have a life I have an existence and I am not living, I am keeping myself from dying.  Yet I dying inside.  In my life I have coped with so much and suffered through so much but this - I believe this is going to be what finally breaks me.  It is hard to comprehend that this is what it will be like for the rest of my existence.

I am sorry that this is depressing and "feeling sorry for myself" but I needed to vent.

I hope you are all well and coping better than me xxx